Dear Cooper // 44 weeks

Hi Buddy!

We'll make this one short and sweet, not too much has changed since last week except that your third tooth has popped through! It is your top right tooth so now you have two top teeth and your bottom left tooth! I still haven't gotten used to you having teeth, it's really cute though and I'm sure I will soon.

You're eating a lot of yogurt, playing a lot, sleeping great, giving me a lot of kisses, hugging me, trying to stand up in the bath 1794 each bath time but will sit when I tell you to, "reading" your books, pulling my giraffe over 18294 times a day, and following me around like it's your job.

This week you feel asleep in my arms while sitting on the couch and it was a rare and cherished moment.  You only slept for about twenty minutes but I loved every one of them because you never sleep on me, ever! I love how great you sleep in your bed but I sure do miss the sleeping weight of you in my arms.

You're the very best, the smartest, the most handsome.

I love you more than ever.

Mama
xoxo

A GOOD TIME AND CAMERA HAPPY MAMA

It's only the start of summer and we're already feeling a little desperate for adventure.  During the winter months the walls of the apartment start to close in a little too quickly so when the start of spring showed its pretty little head off we went.  Its been daily walks, ice cream dates, lunch on various restaurant patio's, the park becoming our new BFF, and.. you get the point.  When my mom, now knowns as Nanny, found a Groupon deal for the Atlanta Zoo we hopped on it!

 

Read more by clicking.... "read more" below ;) 

PROVIDING THE MOST LOVE

I think about Cooper's little self, and myself as his parent, and what my job and responsibility is to him far often that I probably should.  Tonight as we were pulling into the mail area I heard a lot of splashing and laughing at the pool, I glanced over as I was walking in to get my mail and noticed a family all playing together in the pool.  I grabbed my mail, got back in the car, pulled into my apartment, got Cooper out and then it hit me that what I want for Cooper most is love.  I want him to have the most love.  I want him to know the most love.  I want him to feel the most love.  I want him to give the most love.

I've been repeatedly tempted this past week to write an annoying post about how miserable I am being single.  It's not what you think though.  I know I can survive on my own.  I know who I am as a person.  I know love and companionship and I miss it terribly.  I've been in this crazy limbo with myself, wanting to desperately work it out with Frank because I loved him with such force and he is Coopers father, to coming to my senses that he has been nothing but a terrible "father" to Cooper since leaving us.  He is not the person for us, in my mind I know this.  The heart always wants what the mind knows isn't right though. 

Part of providing the most love for Cooper is providing him with a superior "daddy."  Just as much as I can't wait to find my "better half,"  I can't wait to Cooper to have a positive father-figure in his life.  Will it be scary and new? Absolutely.  If you know me, you know I'm not going to settle though.  I will wait (impatiently) until Gods timing is right (I pray every day that it is soon).  To be loved by not only me, my friends, and my family, but a "daddy" too, will give Cooper the fulfillment of family, which is a feeling so close to my heart.  Growing up with a mom, dad, and sisters was the most amazing way to grow up, I always felt an abundance of love and I need for Cooper to feel that too.

For now, I am enough for Cooper.  He doesn't know that this was not the intended way for him to be raised.  I can meet his every need but that time is running short.  My heart breaks knowing that this is limited.  His cousin and little friends all have daddies, what Cooper has is a Frank.  A Frank who sees him on average three to four times a month for no more than one hour each visit.  Not too far off from now he will ask about his daddy, or why his daddy doesn't live with us, or why Paytons daddy always goes out to eat with us but his doesn't.  He will not know for many, many years that I desperately wanted his daddy to be with us when we go out to eat and to live with us and that I tried to make it work, he will not understand the depths I went through to provide him with the love and household that he deserves.  A child between two homes is what will become of Coopers life and it is positively earth shattering to me.

I want to provide the most love for Cooper and right now I am succeeding.  Shortly, I will be failing though because little children just cannot understand, nor do they need to know the upsets of the world any sooner than they already will.

THIS MORNING

Cooper is flailing about the living room floor right now.  I'm sitting on the couch trying to prepare an updated resume and finally write a blog post and he is distraught that I won't let him bang on my keyboard and rip my screen off. The kids got a tough life.

He slept for thirteen hours last night, only waking to each once at six a.m., so when he finally woke up at eight I was completely confident that he would be so happy this morning, I would have bet my right leg, even.  Thankfully I didn't because he smiled at me for two seconds and then started screaming "eat!" I fed him properly, he smiled a bit, tore some books off the bookshelf, and then started eating paper that he found.. where?  I took the paper from him and the flailing began.  He goes from rolling around on the floor to walking up and down the couch, wiping his boogers on me as he passes by.

I've tried playing on the floor with him, feeding him some more, letting him sit with me on the couch, reading him a book, and giving him a sippy cup but none of those are breaking my computer or eating paper so he isn't satisfied.

He has been positively delightful lately so this is to be expected, no ones perfect, right?

He's rubbing his eyes now, better go, NAP TIME! Which will be one of my three favorite times today (the others being second nap and bed time).

I love my kid.

LIFE WITH NO TV

It's just as fun as it doesn't sound.  No sugarcoating here!

While pregnant with Cooper I decided that he would have very limited TV exposure, if any, for as long as I could really control it.  I want him focused on playing and being outdoors, plain and simple.  I, on the other hand, had planned to have very limited TV for myself during the day but then a lot of it at night.  I love my shows (and my brains already partially rotted anyway) so that was what was going to happen.

And then Frank left us and I entered super poor woman status and the cable had to go, like yesterday.

So it went and I was a little emotional about it because I'VE HAD TV FOR 22 YEARS.  22 YEARS! It's a hard death to part with.  Maybe it wouldn't be so hard if I weren't alone but Cooper goes to bed at 7 pm and I do not, so there are many hours of quietness and I am a lunatic about weird noises, which basically means that I psych myself out 30 times a night.  It's a nice life. {And can we take a moment to point out that my hearing is a million times better since having Cooper? It's weird.}

It's been three + months now with no TV and this is how my recovery is going: I was a lost puppy for the first few days, I was invigorated to do any and everything but think about TV for the next few weeks, and now I'm back to my normal non-invigorated self who really doesn't think about TV until 9 o'clock on Tuesday nights when everyone is tweeting about Greys and I'm feeling incredibly left out.

I have Netflix, so that helps.

Okay, so maybe it's not that bad? And I seriously get this weird high when we're around TV's and Cooper pays absolutely no attention to them, like MY KID DOESN'T CARE ABOUT TV! WOO! Like I said, weird.

I think this is appropriate..... #survivor

A. I'm unhappily single, no guy with his arm around me on my couch and B. No cable (or flat screen TV anymore for that matter, THANKYOUFRANK)

Dear Cooper // 43 Weeks // 10 Months Old

Baby.

You're ten months old.  It seems like just yesterday you were turning one month old.  Our best friend Angelika was here meeting and visiting you from New Hampshire and I was holding back tears because it has just gone by too quickly.  I remember thinking on that day, your one month birthday, that I really hadn't prepared myself for the emotions that would come as a result of time.  I knew your sweetness would melt my heart and your cuteness would kill me dead, but time, that's a whole nether ballgame.  It's completely out of our control and it passes so quickly.

Anyway.

With two teeth and two more arriving shortly we have started exploring more foods and you have started biting me! I say "ouch!" when you do and you smile at me so big and proud.  If it wasn't so cute I could be a little more stern with you, but typically I'm laughing by the time I get "no! no!" out.

The weather has finally started to cooperate and we have been taking a lot of walks, visiting the park or nanny's swing set daily, and having little picnics in the yard on blankets.  You are the happiest outside, as you've always been, so I love to keep you out as much as I can!

You're standing for a minute at a time or more, falling face first when trying to take a step, tearing my books off the bookcase 124940 times a day, opening books and talking to the pages, banging my little metal owls together each morning, playing peek a boo like its going out of style, demanding "eat!" shortly after waking up, following me around with your quick crawl like a little puppy, giving baby dolls and - anyone that will ask - kisses, standing up in the bath and getting told to "sit down right now Cooper"and listening!, napping like a champ (hello longest nap to date at two hours and forty-five minutes!), drinking out of a straw so good, being obsessed with toilet paper (still), clapping when I say "yay!" or "good job!", being found behind doors on an hourly basis playing with the spring door jams, getting excited with I open the dishwasher or refrigerator, going to bed at 7pm sharp, and mimicking my tons and expressions which I love so much!

You weigh less than 17.5 pounds, you were size 3 diapers, you wear size 6 month shorts, size 6-9 month shirts, size 9-12 month jammies, and your feet are still tiny (size 2's are way too big!).  

I experience proud-mom-moments several times a day.  I can't explain the love I have for you, it feels like something that couldn't have possibly ever existed until right now, how can we all be feeling this for our kids and loved ones? I have specific prayers for you this week, I pray that you will feel love so deep in your core, I pray that you will transition easily when the (inevitable) next stage of our life/this process hits up, and I pray that you will be kept first in everyone's hearts and minds as everything unfolds.

I love you more than ever.

Mama
xoxo

THE AFTERMATH

It was a great Mothers Day.  It was church with a sleepy Cooper, a record-breaking nap for my baby at two hours and forty-five minutes long, a cookout with family, swinging and slides, and a blanket in the yard at home with some toys to end the day.  I'm a blessed Mama. 

I hope your day was great, too! 

+ Things to note: I'm wearing a granny sweater because my ta-ta's are huge and make even the most modest dresses look provocative, Princess had an outfit change, diva!, I am not photogenic, I'm so glad to finally have a picture of my mom, Cooper and I, my little sister is beautiful, and lastly, I love cousin love.